why do people let their babies cry it out? AARRGGHH?
Posted by · 27 Comments
Its so cruel!! Babies only form of communication is to cry! What if your baby is ill, too hot, too cold, in pain or hungry?? and you just let them cry it out because you need sleep!
If you didnt want all this that comes with a baby why have one??
All your baby needs is you. For comfort, warmth, love. And you ignor that?
I know even Doctors suggest it and health visitors -they are not experts in children crying. hv are only trained nurses.
I felt like laughing at my hv for suggesting it! No thats not what I am, I am a full time mother not one at times that suit me. I would neve rput my child through such a thing. Babies cry so much they are sick in these conditions, what trauma for a small child!
At the end of the day its us that have got the babies into this nighttime routine of feeding at waking etc. Why just suddenly stop, would you like that? How you like someone to take your comfort anway?
Poor babies!!!!
firstly ceprm by baby is 9 months old I wouldnt say I was new to this. And no I have no respect for my babies health vistor for many reasons, and no they dont know what they are talking about- I know 99% of mothers feel the same. I could make a huge list about them.
and for 42 attending to them when they cry is not spoiling, I will never allow my children to be like the one you mensioned.
And I do all the nigths on my own and all day until my husband returns. At the moment she is cutting her 4th tooth- why would people leeve a teething child?
and no they break their own habbit- when they dont need it anymore. My own mother thinks it is sick also. Me and my 3 sisters have been brought up very well. We were never left to cry.
Many of my family said their babies didnt sleep though until 9 months also so I am not worried.
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Because you have to break them of the habit. If you know there is nothing wrong with them, ie you have checked the diaper, and you know they are full and burped.
You have to get them so they understand they are themselves, and sometimes they won’t get what they want because they cry.
You’re obviously very new to this mother thing, and think you’re something special, but you’ll learn, on your own, since you refuse to take the advice of people who obviously know more about it than you do.
I agree I feel it is torture for the baby to cry. I feel so bad for the babies that they let do that. I don’t understand the reasoning of those that suggest it.
my friend treated her baby the way you suggest and dear, now the kid is 4 years old and it so spoilt and it never does anything she tells him. it’s the most annoying kid that i ever came across and she had to start letting him cry in this late stage – wich is even more difficult. and it was horror for her but now she has a lot happier kid back home. you need to set boundaries to a kids life, otherwise they will just run over you
It is very difficult to be a parent. Babies don’t come with instructions. We all struggle as new parents to come up with the style that will eventually be our own. We get lots of advice from others- our own parents, our friends, books, cable TV shows. Some parents may try this style- to let babies cry- and others will not.
What’s right in one family will not be right for another. Some parents have NO help so that someone else can ease the crying baby while they get a break.
And, it can be frustrating to see a parent who has a style very different from our own.
Best wishes!
from a grandma-aged lady who also doesn’t believe in letting babies cry alone
Certainly, as a possible sign of some level of distress, it should be checked out.
That said however, there are theories by the hundreds both ways.
To constantly address crying, perhaps to the point of constant coddling, could have as many adverse, long term effects.
Some parents who you might perceive as abusive, and neglectful, might be very good parents and already know the habits of their child. They may in fact have caused the crying as an attention getter? I’ll assume that neglectful is a minority, and unfortunately the “coddlers” are a majority.
All babies need nurturing, and there is no sin in touch, talking, offering a bottle, food, toy, when needed for the reality, or a distraction.
Rev. Steven
No real offense meant, but is your annoyance based on morality or just annoyance at the noise levels?
I had to reply to ceprn on this one. When there is “nothing wrong” with the baby, you still shouldn’t leave them to cry. What they want is to be with their mother. They have other needs besides diaper changes and feeding, they need to be with people.
I would never leave my baby to cry, I think is is so cruel. I think people let their babies cry because they are misinformed or they just don’t want ot deal with it.
I salute your warmth and concern for the babies.!!!
No sensible mom unless she is in a difficult time or position or in a state of oblivion, would let her baby cry or allow the baby to stop communicating through crying. After all the baby’s cry is always a telling or a tormenting echo within a mom’s heart, which she can ever afford to ignore.
You are also a mom and you would agree, deep inside a mom cries with the baby too !!!
i agree w/ you. i never just let my baby lay and cry. my goal was to make sure she always felt loved, every moment of everyday. well she is 13 years old now. but when she was born i held her all the time, i held her so much that she walked before she crawled. if i wasn’t holding her in my arms i had her in a snuggly on me while i did my household chores. my mom would come over after she was done work and hold my daughter so i could take a shower.
my husband at the time wasn’t much help at all. he worked outside of the home. even when she was sleeping i would still hold her, I’d hold her on my chest while she was sleeping and I’d sleep too, in the rocking chair. the rocking chair is where i spent most of my nights w/ my daughter. needless to say my husband was extremely jealous cause all my attention went to our baby. he said he felt like the 3rd wheel, so he went to school to become a trucker. well i wasn’t happy about that but i excepted it. when my daughter started kindergarten i divorced my husband. he was gone all but 2 or 3 days a month, that’s not the kind of life i wanted. my family would tell me i was way to over protective of her, but i didn’t care. if i had it to do all over again i would do exactly the same thing. when my daughter started to walk i was always right there by her, if she ever started to fall i was always there to catch her before she fell. she never fell down and got hurt when she was with me. i think being over protective is better than being underprotective. if i took her outside to play i would only let her play in the grass, i wouldnt let her play in the dirt. my family would tell me “you gotta let her get dirty sometimes” and of course i didnt agree with that. i raised her the way i thought was right. now my then baby is 13 years old now, smart and healthy. i know i did a good job and i think i still do. she confides in me all the time about stuff that teens dont tell their parents. we are very close. but i still act like the parent. some people try to be their childs friend instead of the parent, well not me. im the parent and the friend, mostly the parent though. i just got remarried 2 months ago to the love of my life. my daughter loves him and even calls him daddy. i feel like the luckiest woman on earth, i am truly blessed.
I have 2 sons,and I would never even think about letting them “cry it out”. One of them is 6, and he’s turned out fine. Not spoiled or anything(except when he gets around grandma,lol). And both of my sons would cry so bad when they were upset that they would make themselves sick in a matter of minutes. So just go with your gut, if you don’t like the idea of your kid crying it out alone, don’t let it happen. Of course, others are going to try to tell you you’re doing something wrong, don’t listen. You do what you think is best.
And to the person whose answer contained this:
“You’re obviously very new to this mother thing, and think you’re something special, but you’ll learn, on your own, since you refuse to take the advice of people who obviously know more about it than you do.”
That’s a really bad attitude to have, telling her she “thinks she’s something special”. Who are you to imply you or anyone else knows what’s best for her child? Some of the pediatricians in practice don’t even have children of their own, yet we’re supposed to take their advice, no question? You could have just said you did/didn’t agree with the crying it out issue, no need to be such a b i t c h about it.
To the person below, I’m not saying everyone should agree. They’re our kids, we can do what we wish. But I do believe the answer could have been a little nicer. They could have disagreed and told everyone how well whatever they chose to do worked for their child. Some kids will cry it out w/o making themselves sick, some won’t. If I had done the “cry it out” route and it worked, you could bet your ass I would be telling everyone I knew about how well it worked for me, I wouldn’t think them less of a mother if they chose to do it differently though.
I could never leave my baby to cry it out, but I did do controlled crying, which is similar.
Its got nothing to do with only being a mother when I feel like it, its got to do with getting baby into a good sleeping routine, my baby has been sleeping through since she was 5 days old or around there, so I don’t have to use the method anymore obviously.
And to leave you baby to cry it out is not leaving your baby when they are to hot, cold, sick, need changing or any of that, its for when it is bedtime and they need to learn to self settle, or there is nothing wrong except they are overtired.
I think the method is great, because now she is in a good routine, fi she does cry, I know that there actually is something wrong.
Also in reply to this “Who are you to imply you or anyone else knows what’s best for her child?”
Well you are right there, but this also applies to the original poster, just because she doesn’t use crying it out, doesn’t mean it doesn’t work fine for other people.
To the person above again lol. I agree that post was abit rude, but so was the original post so I still think it also applies to her, seeing as she was basicly accusing anyone who let their babies cry it out of being cruel/neglectful to their children.
And about the teething, leaving your children screaming in pain, and leaving them alone for them to go to sleep at night are two completely different things
i don’t have kids so this can be taken with a grain of salt… but i COMPLETELY agree with you!
If you have checked every possible problem that could be wrong with a baby and nothing is wrong, then they are just crying cause he/she wants to be held. If a person gets into the habit of this then he/she will expect it not only from you, but from everyone, even a babysitter. This is one of the worst ways you can spoil a child. They have to learn how to calm themselves down, it’s part of learning how to be independent, and it is healthy for them.
Dont be so damn horrible. You should know how much mixed advice you get as a mother from people saying all sorts (including to let them cry a bit). You dont have to be so critical. Just say no, dont let the baby cry. Comfort them when they cry because babies cry when they need something. A little cry isn’t bad for a baby, its not bad for them if you dont rush to them immediately. Histerical crying is another thing. Duh. But there is just no need for you to blast people’s socks off and indirectly accuse people of being bad mothers for listening to advice someone gave them. The last lady who asked about this topic is not a mother who had her baby and wanted it to be perfect. God. She’s just trying to do the “right thing” by using the advice given. So chill out and keep your nastiness off here. This is meant to help not attack new mothers self esteem.
By a certain point, babies know how to play you. Many times they also cry because they are overtired and cranky.
We raise our children the best way we think we can. Based from what we seen, what we heard, what we experienced.
As mothers we want the best for our kids without spoiling them. Your ways may be different from mine, but it does not mean that our children will not grow up to be responsible, loving kids.
I love how people put you have to break the habit. What habit have they learned? For fourty weeks they were in your womb and no one came running when they cried. They cry for a reason. I agree with you completely.
Now of course there was times I let one cry for a little while I was trying to finish something or when I just plain needed a quick break to regain my sanity. My children have never and will never have to cry themselves to sleep.
its not ignoring them we cant give them our full attention everyday all day there bab ies and yes they do need us but no we cant help them 24.7 what if the kid has colic?? you cant comfort them by walking them around. i guess not everyone has the same opinion you do but either way its not going to hurt them to cry a lil bit yeah if they need a bottle or a diaper change thats understandable but when there jsut crying for no reason its not goodluck with your long nights and days
*Just wanting to be held* is a legitimate need!
Meeting a baby’s needs is what parents are supposed to do!
Studies have shown that babies who are held more cry less. Only when they are securely attached to their parents can they go on to make other lasting relationships.
Babies who learn not to trust their parents have difficulty in making relationships as an adult. A whole generation grew up *crying it out,* and the divorce rate is now sky high.
People have been so accustomed to thinking that “loving a baby too much” will spoil them. Spoiling is giving *things*, not love!! There is such a difference, I find it hard to believe that people confuse the two! I’m a parent when it’s convenient…and also when it isn’t. I complain sometimes, but I know that *I* am the parent, so I’m the one who has to make the sacrifices, not my kids!
I have a 8 months old baby. I perfer to pacify her when she cries. However, I have heard of people who let their baby cry it out. It is just a different method of upbringing. It has a name to it but I forgot what its called. This is to induce a sense of independance in the baby. So that they do not grow to rely on your pacifying.
With experience, you learn what the cries mean. I have a two month old girl and a two year old boy. As long as I know that she isn’t crying because she is wet, hungry, or uncomfortable, I will let her cry because I have another child to take care of, too. My son never got a chance to cry because if he was awake, I was right there. But when you have two, you have to let them cry a little, or you will never get anything accomplished. I am sure she will turn out just as good as my son. Maybe a little better because she will learn to occupy herself. I have a rotten little two year old.
I have two kids and have worked in child care for many years. First you CAN NOT spoil a newborn baby. They cry because they need something. But both of my babies have had bad colick. Sometimes you do everything you can and your baby still cries. There is nothing wrong with setting your baby in a safe place and taking 10 minutes to regain yourself. In fact it is good for you and your baby for you to take breaks now and then. But for the most part babies under 6 months cry when they need something and you can’t spoil them by responding to their needs
Now, at a point you need to start breaking this cycle and your child needs to start calming themselves. I think too many people forget that as parents we ARE NOT raising children. We are raising adults who someday have to be able to handle themselves. At 6 months or so (depends on the kids and the family) your child should be able to calm themselves to a point. Give your kids a chance to figure things out on their own. If your child cries out of frustration while trying to crawl to a toy, and you hand her that toy you aren’t helping her in the long run. But I am not saying be cruel. Let your child try for a few minutes to get that toy, before you help her out. Life is frusterating and hard, kids need to learn that. Too many kids don’t and that is why we have SO many bratty kids now who think every new thing they deserve. Let your children try and do things for themselves. It might be messy to let you kid feed himself, it might take forever for your kid to put their shoes on. But it is worth it in the long run. They might surprise you and themselves at what they can accomplish.
I am in complete agreement with you. Crying it out does nothing, nor does it change when a child is ready to sleep through the night. It just lets a baby know that their needs are no longer important and no one will be there anymore when they need them during the night. I never let my baby cry and she started sleeping through the night at 4 months. She gave up her night time feeding when she was ready, not when I was ready. I am glad that you are allowing your baby to feel the love, trust and security that comes from having an attentive parent! Good luck!
Sometimes, it is what they need.
I know when my daughter is hungry. I know when she’s soiled her diaper. And I know when she is just plain tired. We have plenty of cuddle time, story time, and playtime together. She gets all the attention she needs.
She hates being rocked to sleep (always has) so I put her in her room, close the door, and let her cry. That’s how she goes to sleep. It usually only lasts 2 minutes. If it lasts longer than 5, I go get her, because obviously she isn’t going to sleep. Nighttime isn’t a problem, she has been sleeping through the night since about 6 weeks. If she wakes up crying in the middle of the night (a rareity) I go get her, because I know she needs something. She really isn’t a fussy baby, but she has her moments where she just needs a good cry.
CIO is one of the worst things you can do to a baby. Spoiling doesn’t start at infancy. It starts with lazy parents who will not set proper, age appropriate boundries for their children. Children who have never heard their parents say the word “no”.
Can leaving a baby to ‘cry it out’ cause brain damage?
Asked by Christine Koch of Strathfield, NSW Australia
Research suggests that allowing a baby to “cry it out” can cause brain damage.
Some experts warn that allowing a baby to “cry it out” causes extreme distress to the baby. And such extreme distress in a newborn has been found to block the full development of certain areas of the brain and causes the brain to produce extra amounts of cortisol which can be harmful.
According to a University of Pittsburgh study by Dr M DeBellis and seven colleagues, published in Biological Psychiatry in 2004, children who suffer early trauma generally develop smaller brains.
A Harvard University study by Dr M Teicher and five colleagues, also published in Biological Psychiatry, claims that the brain areas affected by severe distress are the limbic system, the left hemisphere, and the corpus callosum. Additional areas that may be involved are the hippocampus and the orbitofrontal cortex.
The Science of Parenting by Dr Margot Sunderland (Dorling Kindersley, 2006) is a recently published book that points out some of the brain damaging effects that can occur if parents fail to properly nurture a baby – and that means not allowing them to “cry it out”.
Sunderland, the director of education and training at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London, draws upon work in neuroscience to come to her conclusions and recommendations about parenting practice.
In the first parenting book to link parent behaviour with infant brain development, Sunderland describes how the infant brain is still being “sculpted” after birth. Parents have a major role in this brain “sculpting” process.
In doing this properly, Sunderland argues that it is crucial that parents meet the reasonable emotional needs of the infant. This is helped along by providing a continuously emotionally nurturing environment for the infant.
Allowing a baby to “cry it out” when it is upset will probably be regarded as child abuse by future generations.
I completely agree with you. I think the only reason to let a baby cry if it is what is best for THEM not you as a parent…(IE if they were refusing to sleep for days – like my six month old did once – she only slept 5 hours a day for two days straight and put herself into exhaustion but WOULD NOT SLEEP – then I had to let her cry for 15 min – which was horrible – but I needed to do it for her own good or an older child throwing a tantrum over wanting candy, a toy, etc..) but, letting your child “cry it out” for hours on end because you dont want to get up at night is foolish. Why people try to numb themselves to their baby’s cries is beyond me – babies cry for a REASON…and the argument that you are teaching them to “self soothe” is ridiculous – what you are teaching them is the way to fall asleep is not peaceful – but rather, to get mad, get even madder, get more and more worked up and upset until you are hysterical and exhausted and you knock yourself out. Yikes! That isnt how I want to teach my daughter how to relax!! Not to mention the psychological reprecussions of learning that “it doesnt matter if I need something and scream for it, people who are supposed to love me will ignore me because they dont care, or because I am worthless, etc…” what a bad thing to teach a child. And crying is NOT a “habit” it is a biological DRIVE – if it is a habit, then breathing, eating, and pooping are “habits” that is just stupid. You cannot spoil a baby…dont get me wrong, if you had an older child and ALWAYS gave in to whatever they wanted if they shed a tear, that would not be healthy because they must be socialized and the world will not respond to them that way – but a baby has NO concept of that…it only has needs and those needs either get met or dont get met. Our job as parents is to meet those needs to the best of our ability. Ok, I am off my soap box.
I whole-heartedly agree with what ceprn said.
My daughter cried and cried at night when she was just over a year old. She just decided one night to try it out. We brought her into bed with us a few times after we checked her for hot, cold, diaper, thirsty, etc. But then, after she kept it up every night we discovered that she only wanted to sleep with us in our bed. We put a stop to that in a hurry. The only way to do it was to let her cry cry cry. It only took a couple of nights and she never cried longer than half and hour and she also learned that she had to sleep in her own bed. She’s now 2 and we have cry-free nights from her every night AND she’s a happy well-adjusted little girl. Now if only we could stop my 8 month old from crying at night. We don’t leave him to cry, not just yet.